Backward Glances
by EscapeToCity
Summary: Sequel to "Everything Changes."


Title: BACKWARD GLANCES  
  
Author: EscapeToCity  
  
Category: Sequel to "EVERYTHING CHANGES." Alternate Universe.  
  
Rating: R for language, situations  
  
Summary: Alexandra Lord Luthor....her life, loves, and loss, in her own words....  
  
Spoilers: none I can think of  
  
Disclaimer: NONE of these characters belong to me. I am simply painting a scene for them to play in. Peace, blessings & praise to Warner's, DC, WB & Millar/Gough.  
  
Notes:  
  
This series occurs in an alternate universe, focusing on a character whose influence hopefully helped shape the "present-day" Lex Luthor. This is the continuing story of his mother, Alexandra  
  
...Much is explained as Alex speaks to us from somewhere *other*...  
  
Feedback always welcome. Please e-mail me, if you like, at EscapeToCity@aol.com  
  
Best regards,  
  
J.B.  
  
@ New Orleans  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
The worst thing about being *here* my friends is the timelessness.  
  
Still.  
  
Mirror.  
  
Look.  
  
Hold.  
  
Wait.  
  
For what?  
  
They are always right in front of you.  
  
I can hold him, try to whisper reassurance in his ears.  
  
Try to protect him from their cruelty.  
  
They are so cruel to you, my son.  
  
Now that coldness is growing within you.  
  
Goddamn you, fate.  
  
Damn you, so-called benevolent creator.  
  
Sorry.  
  
I know.  
  
But...oh bloody hell...  
  
The watching.  
  
Tears fall and I cannot wipe them away.  
  
How I try. Everyday.  
  
He cries alone.  
  
Purple.  
  
He always loved purple.  
  
He lives in a sad, purple kingdom.  
  
He is there.  
  
Always alone.  
  
Already entering that dark forest.  
  
There is a strange light-- a force of goodness-- near him, but will it guide him away from peril?  
  
Of couse, dears, I can do nothing.  
  
Save remember.  
  
Save lament.  
  
And I am a hypocrite....I hate lamenting, I hate regret....  
  
But damn how I regret leaving.  
  
But...  
  
I try.  
  
Try, with all the wispy power I retain, to hold on to that time.  
  
Perhaps, hopefully, reach him.  
  
All I was is for him, All I am is in him.  
  
I pray that is enough.  
  
But there were dreamy, sky blue days once...  
  
My baby, my husband....for a time, it seemed things would work.  
  
For a time in everyone's life there is color.  
  
Scattered patterns of ink and paint, thrown together to create a tapestry of sympathy and love.  
  
I try my best, as before, to relate how that canvas appeared, in those warm, sunny days...  
  
  
  
...And my life had found renewal, refreshment, a bold and blessedly maternal news direction....I was pregnant with my darling Lex.  
  
It was all so sudden, my friends. How could it not have been? Lionel and I had made love for the first time in years. His bastard father was dead. Suddenly, the game had completely shifted again.  
  
For the shortest while after Dr. Taylor gave me the news, I was thrown for a bloody loop...  
  
What if Lionel doesn't want this baby?  
  
What if losing Little Lionel had made him never want to take the risk again?  
  
I was forty-six years old. Lots of grey hair. Still some red, too...High risk age to give birth. Damn, extremely high risk. Rare. Dangerous. For both of us.  
  
These topics weighed heavily on my mind as I rode uptown towards the apartment. It was now six weeks after our tryst. Lionel and I had spent every day together since....it was as if new life had not only entered my body, but was unifying and flowing through the three of us.  
  
Alexander, my darling, always live realistically. Grand delusions will destroy you...  
  
I was such a fool...  
  
I was wracked with fear, still, as the taxi pulled up in front of the apartment tower. The city was ablaze in Indian Summer and everything sweltered/melted, including my resolve.  
  
I slowly made it up the steps into the marbled lobby. Every step took an hour, at least.  
  
Then, I nearly passed out as the elevator took its time, gently rising to the forty-fourth floor.  
  
I meekly knocked at the door.  
  
Lionel had given all the staff time off since we were back together.  
  
They were ecstatic. It was the first vacation they'd had in years.  
  
("Luthors don't believe in vacations." Well, you're on vacation in hell now, Lowell...)  
  
There he was.  
  
And I just stared at him.  
  
Feet glued to the rug in the doorway.  
  
He smirked.  
  
Why was he always so damned assured?  
  
That confidence wasn't contagious, though.  
  
I burst into tears.  
  
Nearly fainted.  
  
He grabbed my shoulders.  
  
Bone white teeth shining in the afternoon glow.  
  
Gently, so gently....he rubbed his strong hand over my stomach...  
  
"I know."  
  
He kissed me, so tenderly, like a child. I smiled through the kiss.  
  
And that was that. And my life morphed into a wondrous time of renewed love, commitment and hope.  
  
(You fool, Alex.)  
  
Lionel's affairs stopped.  
  
Naivety...gets 'em every time...  
  
I never felt ill, not one day. I was just so caught up in the rapture of you, my darling. I was cautious, of course...my prior experience had given me the innate pause, a touch of paranoia perhaps, where pregnancy was concerned.  
  
He was wonderfully attentive. Always holding me.  
  
I moved back to Metropolis full-time.  
  
Reconnected with my old artist mates.  
  
My mum came for a spell...she was so happy for me....  
  
I renovated the apartment, my way this time. Hell, the place needed an overhaul and Lionel had no sense of style.  
  
In March we threw a little gala to celebrate spring, forthcoming possiblities, and each other.  
  
Everyone seemed so happy for us.  
  
Lionel and I sat upon the terrace. Watching the city, as we had done so many times before.  
  
"I love you, you bloody fool."  
  
(The dance of denial...)  
  
He took my hand in his. I felt safer and warmer than I had ever been all my life.  
  
These were days of sumptuous rapture, my love.  
  
Days of dangerous innocence as well...  
  
My extended body wrapped safely in his, every night. I knew this child would save us both from all our past mistakes. I knew he (and I always knew it would be a boy....Lionel was far too masculine to create a girl child....) would be smart and handsome and adventurous and athletic and make all the girls swoon around the world.  
  
I knew he would change the world.  
  
Lionel and I would take long walks through the city. The doctor wanted me to get fresh air and exercise. As I said before, my dears, the city was a different sort of place then. A place where people came together. Sure, this was the era of damn awful disco and shag carpeting, but it was also the last time I remember an aura of joy here.  
  
Did those white lines ever bring you joy, baby?  
  
Those lonely, sex-fueled nights Underground?  
  
Zero plus zero equals zero....  
  
On June 22nd I was at Shreck's with Jane, snooping and spying on the competition to see how they were pricing their new Halston couture collection.  
  
I felt terribly heavy...not sick...just weighed down. I had had trouble getting about that day but I had promised Jane I would help her. Lionel had insisted that the chaffeur drive me wherever I went. As I left Jane at the front doors of the store, the waterfall poured out...  
  
Damn. Goddamn.  
  
Hold it steady, girlie....I could hear my mother's voice.  
  
My mother's resolve.  
  
Strong.  
  
Be there.  
  
I'm O.K. Mum....  
  
God, Dad, please look out for me...please look out for my son.  
  
John, the driver, eased me into the plush backseat; Lionel had made sure there was a pillow and water there in case I went into labor while on the town. I remained calm as we rode to the hospital, the gentle roll of contractions beginning.  
  
I tensed up just a little...but I refused to think about the past. The past eats you alive, worse than any cancer. Regret is the most dangerous form of revelry. It is addictive and so damned easy, and so comfortable. Bitterness is the world's favourite drug.  
  
But lingering doubts will always undermine the most fabulous of lives, my son.  
  
I should know...most of the existence here, as I said before, is spent drowning in the past...  
  
  
  
Anyway, John called Lionel. I arrived at the hospital.  
  
I was taken into the emergency room. Dr. Taylor had phoned ahead to tell the hospital that I was at high-risk for complications.  
  
I remained calm. Ten. Fifteen minutes.  
  
Lionel was by my side. Holding my hand. Always so strong. The smugness gone. I knew he would stay with me. At least through the delivery.  
  
"Lionel, darling...." Shaking just a little as they place my legs in stirrups, prepare...."I know this will be alright....I feel it."  
  
"Alex, I believe you. I feel it too. This one is gonna pull through. Our child. Our baby."  
  
What he really meant to say was "My Heir."  
  
He just was there. Like when we first met. Composed and granite. My rock. My pillar.  
  
I was in labor for fifteen hours.  
  
The pain was damned horrible, I won't lie.  
  
I was bleeding heavily.  
  
Dr. Taylor was concerned.  
  
But it abated.  
  
Things calmed.  
  
Still....I wanted it to hurry along.  
  
I needed to hold my baby, caress him, make sure he was breathing.  
  
Make sure his little lungs were strong.  
  
I'm so sorry. We were warned.  
  
2:00  
  
3:00  
  
4:00  
  
7:45  
  
8:00  
  
9:59  
  
10:00  
  
10:30  
  
11:00  
  
11:30  
  
12:00  
  
12:01 a.m., June 23rd, 1979  
  
The most sublime single second of my life.  
  
I heard this piercing scream,  
  
A wail...a wild, joyous call.  
  
Weary, feverish, crazed and crying I turned to Lionel.  
  
His face was lit with a thousand candles of pride.  
  
My heir.  
  
Red.  
  
Red hair. Everywhere.  
  
Streaks of Lionel's blonde and brown mixed in.  
  
Red...he's a fighter.  
  
The cry was strong.  
  
I knew you could breathe.  
  
I passed out.  
  
When I came to, your father had your birth certificate papers ready...  
  
Alexander Leonard Luthor.  
  
My darling Lex.  
  
My best friend.  
  
My beloved.  
  
Things hadn't been as easy as I hoped.  
  
They never are, are they?  
  
Your father and I watched over you.  
  
Your little lungs were working but filled with fluid.  
  
I began screaming in horror when they placed you in that little plastic incubator.  
  
You were trapped.  
  
My baby.  
  
Trapped in a plastic world.  
  
"Let him out of that bloody bubble you bastards!"  
  
Screaming, crying....Lionel had to hold me for hours in the waiting room....me shaking...he as well....we couldn't even imagine losing you...  
  
Tests. Tests.  
  
The ticking of a clock.  
  
Sterile gauze.  
  
Linoleum.  
  
"It's only for a few days."  
  
"We have to do some tests."  
  
"His lungs are functioning but it's going to be a struggle."  
  
Genetic frailty. Damn you, Lionel.  
  
No, it's no one's fault.  
  
The tests. And more tests.  
  
But you fought, baby...  
  
Keep fighting...  
  
My Lex fought. And fought.  
  
And Lionel and I were right there with him.  
  
As if we were in battle, two generals slashing our way through anything, completely in synch, for you.  
  
I called my mother and cried for an hour as I related how beautiful he was.  
  
She told me I needed a stiff drink.  
  
It will all be fine, girlie...calm yourself.  
  
Damn America. So high strung.  
  
Needs more pubs.  
  
They kept Lex in the hospital for a full month.  
  
Severe asthma.  
  
Respiratory distress.  
  
Weak.  
  
Struggle.  
  
Uphill.  
  
Weak.  
  
I remember how scared I was to take him home. Not a drop of chill in the July air but I was bloody freaked...  
  
We had special humidifiers and dust machines and an entirely new cooling/heating system installed before he came home. Nothing could put him at risk. He looked fragile, still. But the red hair always gave me hope. Fire there. Fire.  
  
Just like me.  
  
I had Jane decorate the nursery. It was a wonderful room on the western side of the floor. That wonderful afternoon sun. Lex and I would sit for hours, my baby on my chest, my heart filled, my hands cradling his wheezing frame.  
  
He always wheezed terribly.  
  
Damn how that scared us.  
  
Lionel and I slept in the nursery with him. One of us was always with him. Lionel had suspended work on City Center and turned most of the company work over to Lord Lawrence Hardwick, former head of LuthorInternational in London.  
  
Together we protected our son from the elements, from the Reaper.  
  
Every night we stayed with him, taking turns to collect a few hours sleep apiece, never allowing less than two eyes and two ears to drift away from beautiful Lex.  
  
Bloody hell.  
  
Lex was so perfect.  
  
Pretty almost.  
  
Like a stargazer iris.  
  
Pale but full bodied, like good ale.  
  
Like tea and scones.  
  
Like great passion.  
  
Like watching the great ships enter Metropolis Harbour, gleaming in the sunrise...  
  
Like a green forest, ripe with summer.  
  
Like fresh bread.  
  
Pure love.  
  
I'm sorry if i'm rambling my darlings, but he is my son. The best thing that ever happened to me.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Of course, one lesson I have learned, rather bluntly, is that life is neither predictable nor static.  
  
Lionel backed off as fast as he had gotten close.  
  
And yes, our relationship froze again. Permanently this time.  
  
I discovered he had started cheating again....this time with Lady Emma Hardwick. A posh married Londoner with a nasty heroin habit and a dirty mouth.  
  
Couldn't stand the whore. She made me positively ill. Always spoke to me as a commoner.  
  
Trollop. Her husband, Lord Hardwick, hadn't a clue, my darlings...I felt awful for their two small children...  
  
(In hindsight I should have noticed the darkness lingering in their beady little eyes...)  
  
Anyway, I had the unlucky good fortune to walk in on Lionel diddling Emma in the company boardroom one afternoon, not long after Lex's third birthday.  
  
I had come to the office to tell Lionel that Lex had started talking.  
  
(He had attempted to say "bird" but it came out "buuuuud"  
  
I started crying, I was so happy.  
  
His little face all lit up.  
  
Wild fire hair everywhere.  
  
I picked him up and together we sang in chorus, of happy bluebirds forty- four stories up, come to visit us...)  
  
But my joy was crushed. And things had changed again. Except, this time, I had my baby to love me. I no longer needed, nor desired Lionel Luthor's affections.  
  
(Reality is quite liberating...painful nonetheless...)  
  
I realize this sounds abrupt. But it really wasn't. We had reunited abruptly.  
  
Abrupt is a term used to indicate *haste*, is it not?  
  
I now realize our marriage had really *ended* all those years before, while talking interior design...  
  
Never again would we be those two youth at the Palace, full of vigor, floating on blue reefs in the Indian Ocean, making love giddy on wine and revolutionary enviromentalism...  
  
...But we would raise Lex together, give him stability and two parents. We would be the cliche. For Lex's sake and public consumption.  
  
This was 1982.  
  
I was on the verge of my fiftieth birthday.  
  
I had been blessed with the best gift anyone could give me.  
  
I was full.  
  
I was fulfilled.  
  
I needn't ask anything from God, fate, Mother Nature, or LuthorCorp.  
  
I was so stupid, my love....I should have asked for time....  
  
I'm sorry, my love.  
  
I'm so sorry.  
  
Lex was so bright.  
  
Soaked up everything.  
  
Reading all the time. Chemistry set...how how he loved the one his father bought him for his fourth birthday...  
  
Legos....I went all the way to Copenhagen to buy him the entire collection.  
  
He was advanced, all the teachers at Metropolis Country Day told me...  
  
Excelling in every subject...especially the sciences...  
  
I was so proud...  
  
He was polite.  
  
So well-versed around adults.  
  
I noticed, though, he had a hard time with other children. His constant lack of breath kept him from being able to play, rough house, roll around in the grass...  
  
I hated that.  
  
As a child, I had danced along the chalky cliffs, run through tall fields of lush grasses...  
  
Lex never could run well...  
  
Now you run a different way, don't you baby?  
  
You run from yourself...  
  
I would take him down to Metropolis Green. Watching the other kids play in the gigantic playground, their laughs and squeals of pleasure.  
  
I saw the seriousness in him.  
  
The detachment.  
  
He was not like them.  
  
This frightened me.  
  
I never wanted him to feel like an outsider.  
  
I wanted him to have friends, be liked, someday be loved...  
  
He was physically smaller than children his age.  
  
I prayed he would be blessed with a growth spurt.  
  
I did my best.  
  
I bloody screwed up only by spoiling him, of course.  
  
But I couldn't help it...I couldn't deny him anything.  
  
Lionel was only around to dress Lex up, take him to see polo matches, the supper club, out to the links, to business affairs to parade his heir around...  
  
But Lionel did love him. He did.  
  
Anyway, I did my best to throw elaborate birthday parties. Ten-tier G.I. Joe cakes. Prizes for everyone. Games with no losers.  
  
No such games, Alex. You damned fool.  
  
Everyone loses.  
  
Give him the newest toys, the *coolest* food for lunch...  
  
That damned inahler, though.  
  
It built a wall of air around him.  
  
My dear little Merlin.  
  
Separated.  
  
Alone.  
  
Aloof, at a young age.  
  
From his birth until his seventh year, I spent every waking moment living for my son.  
  
Lex wanted so badly to play soccer the fall of his second grade year.  
  
Lionel and I had a conversation about this as we flew to Gotham City for a Wayne Foundation party....  
  
"Lionel....I think Lex really wants to play this year. Dr. Taylor says it would be alright so long as he keeps his inhaler. I also spoke with Coach McKinney at Country Day; he thinks sports would really boost his self- esteem....Lionel...well, what do you think?"  
  
Somehow I already knew the answer...  
  
"Hell no. He's the heir to LuthorCorp. He's my only son. And he has horrific, chronic asthma. There is no way I will let you put him out there in some dirty, dusty, allergen-filled field."  
  
He glared at me. That glare. The one that made me cringe.  
  
He blamed me...  
  
"Lionel, please....be rational. He wants to feel a part of the school. He needs friends. Yes, I know better than anyone that he has to be careful. But he's growing up. All he wants to be is like the other children."  
  
"He's not like the other children. He'll never be like them. He's a Luthor."  
  
"Do you want him to feel isolated? Strange?"  
  
"I felt isolated and strange as a youth, Alexandra. It gave me character. Showed me I was better than the others. Had more inner strength. He needs to start being his own man anyway. You coddle him, spoil him...treat him like a child."  
  
Indignantly..."He is a child you fool! He's seven years old, Lionel! Dear Lord!"  
  
"Seven is the perfect age for him to start growing up. He shouldn't be wasting his time on childish sports and play. He needs to continue learning about the business. In two or three years he'll be spending summers with me at LuthorCorp."  
  
"You're awful, Lionel. He just wants to be a little boy and you're plotting to groom him into a pre-pubescent C.E.O."  
  
"He will be C.E.O. someday, Alexandra. You always seem to forget that. LuthorCorp. is always the bottom line. It is the control in this experiment. Nothing else matters. You still haven't gotten that through your damned English skull after all these years, have you? Fuck, my father...well, let's just say he had you pegged..."  
  
I nearly slap him but I restrain myself. For Lex. I will not strike his father. Even is he is a bastard.  
  
"Lex is going to play soccer, Lionel. I don't care what you say. Don't fight me. I've let you win many battles, darling, but not this one. Not this one."  
  
"Under no circumstances will he do such a thing. Don't fuck with me, Alexandra. I'll crush you."  
  
"Just try, Lionel. I'm stronger than I look."  
  
We just stared/glared/seethed at each other for minutes.  
  
Bastard.  
  
Nothing was resolved.  
  
But it was moot anyway...little did Lionel know Lex was at soccer camp as we spoke.  
  
Lionel's obsession with business had kept him from keeping up with my machinations...  
  
As we arrived in Gotham, Lex was arriving in Midvale, a little town a few hours west of Metropolis. I enrolled him at the Little River Soccer Academy for a week long camp of training and scrimmages. When I had told him, Lex leapt into my arms and hugged me for an eternity. His little face was splashed with joy.  
  
I just wanted him to make friends.  
  
And play soccer.  
  
Err....football....the correct term, mates....  
  
Football's a great sport.  
  
Lex's week started off marvelously.  
  
He got off to a fine start.  
  
But the third day his little lungs betrayed him...  
  
And he was sent to the infirmary....  
  
Damn you, God....he was just a child...why couldn't you let him be happy?  
  
I would not learn of this until Lionel and I returned to Metropolis.  
  
The Wayne Foundation dinner and auction had been a rousing success.  
  
Gotham City functions these days, however, were tinged with darkness.  
  
Earlier in the year, Mr. & Mrs. Wayne had been murdered on the streets of Gotham, gunned down in their prime.  
  
Such good people.  
  
So unlike us....they had actually been happy together...  
  
They genuinely loved one another.  
  
I had been quite friendly with both of them...  
  
My old friend Alfred Pennyworth, their loyal valet, had taken it quite hard.  
  
I spent a few days with Alfred, remniscing about the past, of England, of pubs and green fields and fishing villages...  
  
The Wayne's son, Bruce, a handsome boy a few year's Lex's senior, drifted about the mansion like a ghost...silent...mourning...I only saw him in the shadows...  
  
Such pain there. I knew that look.  
  
It was the one I was beginning to see in my baby.  
  
I know it hurt Lex. I know.  
  
You had such gorgeous hair.  
  
But I still think something good is there for you...in the corn...look closer...  
  
I still can't tell what it is...  
  
Back in Metropolis  
  
Lex was home when we returned...  
  
Crying his eyes out.  
  
I just laid on the floor with him, beneath a mound of Lego bricks, comforting him...  
  
"Mommy...I'll never be able to play...I'll never have any friends..."  
  
"No...hush, Lex....Mummy is your friend...and you have friends...think about school..."  
  
"Nobody at school likes me."  
  
"That's not true, babe...I hear from your instructors many students like you."  
  
"They only pretend to like me. Because of Dad. Because he's loaded."  
  
"Don't say things like that, my darling. People like you for being you."  
  
"No they don't. Mommy, they never will like me for me."  
  
"Please, Lex....don't think that way....Mummy loves you and we will find you some friends...I promise...and Mummy will never leave...I'll be here whenever you need to talk...whenever...because I love you more than anything...you are the reason I was born, Lex...the best days of my life are the ones where I wake up and hug you...believe me, baby...everything will be fine, my love...."  
  
"I believe you, Mommy. I love you."  
  
And we sat there for awhile more.  
  
  
  
LuthorCorp. continued to expand during Lex's childhood...by 1985, it was one of the largest conglomerates in the world. LuthorAgriculturalServcies (LuthorAg) had supplanted ADM as the largest supermarket supplier in the nation. The company had purchased banks from Los Angeles to Miami, Dallas to Fargo. Department stores. Hotels. Country Clubs. Stock brokerages. LuthorChemical was an innovator in the development of fertilizers.  
  
Endless research went on behind the glass doors...  
  
If only I'd cared to involve myself more...  
  
Damn me.  
  
Damn my misplaced apathy.  
  
I knew this only because Lionel gave me a seat on the board on my fifty- second birthday.  
  
"A gift for being a good mother."  
  
No emotion. Just business. Lionel needed an ally on the board; he knew I would never intentionally do anything to undermine Lex's interests...even if I wasn't sure I ever wanted Lex to work at the company...  
  
The City Center urban renewal scheme was in full swing again. I repeatedly attempted to stop the approval of office towers, condominiums and the like, only to find myself voting alone, on the losing side...  
  
Metropolis was booming, that was true. But Lionel's grand "city in a city" was stripping it of its character, its individualness...  
  
Lex continued to do well in school.  
  
When not at LuthorCorp. meetings, I spent as much time with him as I could.  
  
Many days, we went to the Palace of Arts.  
  
Where I had met his father, so many years prior...  
  
Lex had a special interest in a Mark Rothko piece, a modern work...I can't remember the exact name but it was a somber composition...purple merging into a blood red.  
  
Lex said he liked the purple...it looked like grape jelly...  
  
He also said it looked like the sunrise at our beach house in Manalapan...  
  
I enrolled him in art classes, theatre groups...anything and everything...continuously trying to involve him with other children.  
  
Still, he grew increasinly isolated...  
  
I pondered having him see a analyst...I personally had never felt the need, but perhaps they could do something for him I could not.  
  
But goddamn...that made me feel inadequate...I was his mother...I loved him more than anything; yet I couldn't get him out of this mood...  
  
I never considered discussing it with Lionel. I knew his thoughts on therapy and the psychiatric profession--  
  
"Weak people. Pathetic minds."  
  
I just had to find a way to get him happy.  
  
I called my mum for advice.  
  
She said to get him out of the city.  
  
"It's all those autos and lights and noise...they'd kill me after a month, girlie..."  
  
Perhaps she was on to something...  
  
I decided to take Lex on holiday. Spring Break.  
  
Lex had grown up going to his grandmother's cottage in the United Kingdom. Every Christmas. He'd been to most of western Europe. To Singapore with his father. To the Caribbean with both of us.  
  
Something simple, Alex.  
  
Something simple.  
  
Something small...  
  
Smallville.  
  
For years the property Lionel owned around the town had sat unused. The old plans for the grand Scottish manor house we planned to build there were locked away in a file cabinet, crumbling into dust...  
  
But the land was still there. Fresh. And green. With all those marvelous creeks and fish and flowers.  
  
Lex and I went camping on the land. Lionel didn't really care. He was in heavy negotiations to acquire the docking facilities at Metropolis Harbour from Lemaris Shipping; he was so deep in meetings and in Lady Emma I don't think he even heard me when I told him...  
  
But I didn't care....I knew this what exactly what Lex needed.  
  
We arrived in Smallville that cool March day...I rented a Land Rover and we truly roughed it. Lex had his own tent. We cooked hot dogs and roasted marshmallows. Drinking lemonade and laughing together at a book of jokes Lex had...  
  
We walked the golden prairies...the land seemingly went on over the horizon...to the misty hills of Greenmont...  
  
It was so nice, so calm, so close...we didn't need the penthouse or the limo or his toys or my paintings or Lionel's money...  
  
All we needed was each other.  
  
That's what you need now, baby. Hot dogs, lemonade, and kindness...  
  
It was chilly, so I did my bloody damndest to start a fire, with dissapointing results.  
  
Lex knew how to stoke it perfectly though...I was always amazed at all the things he could do.  
  
I watched my little red headed genius as he slept...still wheezing...God, how I wished I could buy him a new set of lungs...perfect imperfection...still...he was breathing steadily and he was happier that week than most I can remember...  
  
I wondered what Lionel's long-range plans were for all the land....forty- thousand acres wasn't exactly a small parcel...  
  
I'm glad I didn't have to watch him do what he did.  
  
The house is marvelous, though, my son...  
  
Please, though...don't hide my picture in that locked bedroom...  
  
Let that kind boy..the tall one...let him come and say hello...  
  
Is he the one? The one I have been trying to connect with...to help you...?  
  
I will keep trying...  
  
The last day on our trip we went into the town, stopping at a little farmer's market. There I bought some wonderful, fresh vegetables from a stand run by a kindly young couple...marveling at the size and quality of the produce.  
  
These certainly aren't LuthorAg veggies, I laughed to myself.  
  
You can't tell the difference between a tomato and an onion with those products...  
  
Ironic, considering how LuthorAg would come to dominate this place...  
  
After we returned to the city, Lex's mood seemed much better. I think the country air and wilderness were good for him.  
  
Perhaps we could return there often, fair Smallville...  
  
I had a lot of business to deal with. I was set to open a gallery in the Spring of 1986 and Lionel reluctantly allowed me to retain my seat on the board...  
  
"Whatever we have to do to protect Lex's interests."  
  
(Liar. Look at him now...he's rotting from sadness...is that what you call *protection* dear husband?)  
  
In his father's defense...  
  
I think Lionel cared more for Lex than he ever let on. The Lionel I had met so long before, the explorer, the romantic....he was still there....I hoped....hidden underneath the weight of his father's persona...sometimes I caught Lionel looking at Lex with such love, even admiration...but never letting the boy know this...  
  
God, Lionel why didn't you let him know?  
  
How things could have been different...  
  
But such is life...  
  
I told you, regrets get you nowhere....  
  
Just a series of worthless backward glances...  
  
What will they get you?  
  
Lionel did surprise Lex with an extra special trip that summer....  
  
Together, they went to Wellington, west of Palm Beach, to attend a polo match hosted by Prince Charles...  
  
After the match, Lionel drove Lex over to Manalapan where, moored in the Intracoastal Waterway was Lionel's new toy....The Vanya.  
  
Lionel adored Chekhov....although he mocked the emotional tragedies therein...  
  
"Vanya...what a loser! But such richness in his tragedy....such a wealth of exploitable pain..."  
  
(You're sick, Lionel. Sick.)  
  
A 90-foot yacht. Lex had always loved boats. We used to watch them enter Metropolis Harbour together.  
  
Lionel beamed as he showed our son the magnificent boat. He promised that the three of us would take a trip on her in the near future.  
  
Lex was so excited.....  
  
Everything was looking better.  
  
He'd been camping......  
  
"Daddy bought a new boat."  
  
It was summer vacation.  
  
He'd grown a whole inch.  
  
Grandma was coming all the way from England for a visit.  
  
"Grandma's cool. She talks cool.  
  
Like Mommy."  
  
"Mommy said we might get a puppy!"  
  
He was only using his inhaler twice a day.  
  
  
  
Oh, my darling, if only life could remain as we wish it to...  
  
Things are always calm, alluring, so seductively pleasant.....  
  
before the storm hits...  
  
  
  
  
  
Hold on. Please, Lex. Hold on.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
End of "BACKWARD GLANCES"  
  
  
  
Alexandra's Story will continue.... 


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